what audience?
So, I think I'll just go with my gut... And put down the most meaningful to me. There's this song by Jars of Clay. Kind of an old song, in the world of "Contemporary Christian Music" a genre which i seldom enjoy. But this ong really hits home... especially lately. It's called Worlds Apart.
I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I tried so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
To give and die
To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
More deeply than the oceans,
More abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache
Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip that spear and watch the blood and water flow
This too:
Philippians 4:8-9
Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.
See... First off, I'm not one to say a song 'touched' me or 'hey look at this scripture, it's got something to say!'. Usually I think that kinda stuff is cheesy. Actually, I think, 'who wants to hear this stuff anyway? who really gives a rip?'. These are just theings I don't talk about often.
It's really odd, as I sit here and think about it... How anti-feelings I try to be, or think I am; yet how much I focus on feelings in reality. I never want to talk about feelings, in most respects. I feel good, I feel bad, I feel like doing this... These things I talk about. But how I feel about something, someone, some issue, how a song or picture made me feel... If it did make me feel at all. These things I'm not too keen on. And, honestly, it scares me. I don't want to be that guy. I don't want to be a father or a husband, whose family doesn't know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I love them. For a long time, I thought I could just show it. But, I'm not so sure that would work out as good as I think.
Inside, I think about 'em. The feelings, but I don't tell, never speak of them, like the thought police is out to get me. Feelings do indeed have a big place in my life. I am not quite the stoic I would have people to believe. I focus on feelings. I dwell on them. And therein lies a problem. I focus all my energy on how I feel. When the bible says I should think on pure, honest, true, lovely, things. Things which mirror God. This is where I should dwell. And then verse nine goes further, and says not only think on them, not only focus all my inner-self on them, but do. Do these things. My outer-self. If I dwell, and then even act on these pure things, the feelings will follow. I'm letting the proberbial cart lead. Control my thoughts, my inner-man, and everything else will fall in line.
My desire to please self, to please my own flesh, is overwhelming. It is the easy way out... yet it always makes life so hard in the end. Self-service always yields self-defeat. Sadly, I know it. I know how it will turn out in the end. Yet, I still do it. I still try and appease my idol of self-gratification. ...I'm not sure I know anything else. That's just always how I've lived life.
It's almost scary to think of changing this. What if I lose my impulsiveness? Granted, my bank account will have a bigger buffer zone, and I would save money on gas, I wouldn't have shirts i never wear, etc. But, would I be as fun? heck, do people think I am fun and impulsive anyway? Should I be focused on how people think of me? Well... no. But, that's gonna be a struggle too. A big one.
It's late. I'm out.
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